The Art of Receiving Feedback

Have you ever felt like you were misunderstood, like those around you didn’t appreciate or recognize your contributions, or that you just didn’t fit in? These are not uncommon experiences but they can present daunting barriers to reaching your full potential.

The reality is that most, if not all, of us have experienced these feelings at some point over the course of our career. Understanding these feelings and taking control of how we communicate with one another is key to unlocking our potential.

I have had many of these feelings over the course of my own career.  In fact, it wasn’t that long ago that I experienced a defining moment that began with me feeling completely misunderstood. I was faced with the question “Why are you so negative?” by a fellow colleague that had the courage to tell me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear.

What? Negative? Me? Are you kidding? How did this happen? How did I get here? What created this perception?

It’s moments like these where we reach that fork in the road with a choice of which path we will follow. There is the easy, well-travelled path of being defensive, defiant and hearing only what we want to hear.  This path becomes personal, where we create conflict, and where all too often we choose to avoid the conflict.

Or, we could seize the opportunity to take the path less travelled. The path that requires us to suspend judgment, give others the benefit of good intentions and to be open to learning more about ourselves and those around us.  It’s an uncomfortable path of self-discovery that opens unlimited growth opportunities for both those giving and receiving feedback.

Winston Churchill once said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

In the book “Thanks for the Feedback” by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen, they talk about three challenges to receiving feedback well:

1. The challenge to SEE
   
   We have to learn to see our blind spots, whether it’s our facial expressions, body language or tone of voice, and then understand how they impact others. When we understand more about ourselves and how we are received by others, we are better equipped to be intentional with our communication to make sure others see us clearly.
   
   For me, it was learning that I had an unintentional tone. Although my intent was in the right place with wanting to have a constructive conversation, the tone I used didn’t match my intent and caused others to feel I wasn’t open to their feedback.
   
   
2. The challenge of ME
   
   To receive feedback well we must understand how we are hard wired to react and how our emotions distort the story we are trying to tell.
   
   I learned, in my own experience, that my hard wiring is to react defensively and to take the feedback personally. My colleague helped me recognize this tendency. I am now intentional with suspending judgment and giving others the benefit of good intentions before I react with passing judgment.
   
   It is so important that we learn to turn off that default response of being defensive and defiant and to replace it with an intentional desire to listen and understand.
   
   
3. The challenge of WE
   
    This is where our perceptual filters or how we see others can hinder our ability to connect.  It is in our human nature to label one another, to make judgment of our intentions, and to decide whether we are even open to what each of us has to say. What we think about others and how we feel treated by them can create difficult barriers to realizing our opportunities for growth.

The choice is ours. Which path will you choose? For me, I committed to the path of learning and understanding, and it opened my eyes to a world where the possibilities are endless and the potential is unlimited.

About the Author
Hans Pettit, CPA, is on a mission to seek out the greatness in others and encourage them to seize every opportunity to smile, share, connect and push fear aside. In his spare time, you can find him exploring the wonders of parenthood with his wife and four children. Hans is a partner in our financial institutions practice.